Mentoring is a relationship, not an event
A single piece of advice can be useful, but mentoring is different. It is a relationship that develops over time, in which someone with more experience in an area takes an interest in your growth and you take their perspective seriously. Because it develops, its benefits tend to accumulate gradually instead of arriving all at once.
This article focuses on that relationship: what it can offer, what to ask, and how to be a good mentee. It assumes you have a mentor or are close to finding one. If you are still looking, the practical steps for finding a mentor are a separate topic.
What mentoring can offer
None of these are guaranteed, and they depend on the people involved, but mentoring often provides:
- Perspective from experience. A mentor has seen situations you have not, and can describe how they usually play out.
- Candid feedback. Someone outside your reporting line may be freer to say what they see.
- Help reading unwritten rules. Every workplace and field has norms that are rarely written down. A mentor can explain them.
- Encouragement over time. Having someone who knows your history can help you keep going through setbacks, and supports your career resilience.
- Introductions. Mentors sometimes connect mentees to people and opportunities, though you should not expect or ask for this early.
- A model. Watching how someone handles decisions, conflicts and trade-offs can be as instructive as what they say.
Mentoring is different from coaching, which tends to be more structured and focused on questions, and from sponsorship, where someone actively advocates for you. A mentor may eventually do something like sponsoring, but the roles are not the same.
What to ask a mentor
Good questions are specific, and they show you have done some thinking. Some categories to draw from:
About their path
- What were the turning points in your career, and what did you learn from them?
- What would you do differently if you were starting again?
About your situation
- Here is a decision I am facing. How would you think about it?
- What do you notice about how I approach this problem?
About the field or organization
- What skills do you see becoming more important here?
- How do people typically move between levels in this area?
About development
- What do you think I should focus on over the next year?
- Who else should I be talking to?
Avoid asking a mentor to make your decisions. Questions that begin with “What factors would you weigh?” tend to produce more useful answers than “What should I do?” And bring your own thinking: a draft of your options, a rough development plan, or a list of what you have already tried.
How to be a good mentee
The mentee drives most of the relationship. A few habits make a large difference.
Prepare for every meeting. Know what you want to discuss. Send a short note beforehand if that suits your mentor. Time is the most valuable thing they are giving you.
Act on what you hear, or say why not. If advice is offered and you ignore it without comment, the mentor may conclude it was a waste. You are free to decide against a suggestion, but explain your reasoning.
Report back. Tell your mentor what happened after your last conversation. People are usually glad to learn that something they said was useful, and the update gives the next conversation a natural starting point.
Be open to feedback. Receiving feedback without getting defensive is a skill you can practice here. A mentor who senses you will listen is more likely to be candid.
Respect boundaries. Be mindful of the amount of time and contact the mentor has offered. Do not assume it is unlimited, and do not expect a quick answer to every message.
Be honest. Mentors can only respond to what they know. Share doubts, mistakes and real constraints, within what is appropriate.
Say thank you. A short note of appreciation, and later an account of how things turned out, goes a long way.
Give back where you can. Even if you are junior, you can share a useful article, offer an outsider’s view on a new tool, or introduce your mentor to someone. Mentoring should not feel entirely one-sided.
How the relationship tends to change
Early meetings are often about getting to know each other and sharing background. As trust builds, the conversations may become more candid and specific. Over time, the relationship may become more like a friendship between colleagues. Some mentoring relationships last decades. Others serve a particular stage and then fade, which is normal and not a failure.
Rhythm varies. Some pairs meet monthly; others talk a few times a year, or when something important comes up. Agree on something that fits both schedules, and revisit it if needs change.
When mentoring does not fit
A mentor’s advice reflects their own experience, which may not match your situation. Times, industries and organizations change. Treat advice as one input, and cross-check it with other people and your own judgment. If a mentor is consistently dismissive, pushes you toward their own interests, or makes you uncomfortable, it is reasonable to step back.
Also remember that no single mentor can meet every need. Many people benefit from a few mentors across different areas, some long-term and some for a short period.
Taking it forward
Mentoring has value beyond a particular relationship. The habits it builds, such as asking good questions, seeking feedback and reflecting on experience, support continuous learning. And as you gain experience, you may find yourself on the other side of the table, passing along what you learned.